Dear Global Liberal Cannibal Pedophile Conspiracy:
Please accept this letter as my resignation from the plot. As of today, my bar tab has been fully paid for and I have returned my deepest red velvet ceremonial cape, so deep it is black, to Glen at the reception.
I write this with a heavy heart. Joining the GLCPC was a dream come true, and yet last year I was beginning to think that there might not be a left-wing global cabal that eats babies as part of a satanic rite in order to achieve immortality and, through control of the media and banking, impose a new world order and also run child prostitution rings. I had been working in Hollywood for years, intentionally producing TV shows that corrupted young people in hopes of getting noticed through conspiracy. From a networking perspective, you’re on the next level, and at the time, I was trying to pivot to feature films.
So I was relieved to wake up at midnight, unable to move, to find a sulphurous imp (glittering on its forehead the Greek letter eta: “H”, for “Hillary”) crawling in my mouth. After that, of course, I was able to understand the coded messages you were sending via C-SPAN, pop culture and Wordle. A few weeks later, I was listening to “All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)”, and there, hidden in the part on the fridge, was my invitation to the Feast of the Innocents 2021-slash-orgy in the crypt under the Lincoln Memorial !
Since then, I have been an active and involved member of the GLCPC. I had the idea to stop using “cheese pizza” as a code for “child prostitute” in the pizzerias we own around the world as fronts for child prostitution. I’m proud to say that the number of confused Little League teams that accidentally receive child prostitutes is on the decline. It was also me who suggested that maybe “Q” from QAnon is this guy Quentin who was always taking pictures with his phone. And, later that night, I helped Oprah and Pope Francis drown him out. I got an Oprah high five!
And yet, I never felt entirely welcome. Obviously, my choice not to participate in the rite of eating human babies and drinking their blood held me back. Which I find hypocritical. As I said during the interview process, it doesn’t matter what I eat; isn’t that the whole point of the conspiracy to create a better world, a world of tolerance and inclusion? Where a dog can marry a car and there are no guns and the thought police punish Wrong-Think®? At the time, Hillary herself stood up and applauded those feelings (I was quoting her, but still), then everyone started clapping, and then it turned into an orgy.
In reality, these lofty ideals go no further. I quickly felt like an outcast. I was often left out of inside jokes about ritual baby eating. At dinners, I always found myself sitting next to fucking Mark Zuckerberg. I was Mop Boy at Three orgies in a row. And then, at the Cabal Rally last Wednesday, as the line formed in front of Altar Slaking, Tom Hanks (he was wearing a brass goat’s head, but I’m pretty sure it was Hanks) noticed standing to the side and said, “What a baby. I guess we should eat it next! It got a lot of laughs (even though it was kind of a kiss, I think that’s Hanks’ laugh below). Needless to say, I left early, even though the Rothschilds had brought a “special surprise” which turned out to be solid gold live birds.
As I drove home through the secret tunnels under Denver Airport, I wondered: Is this really how we’re going to make a better world? By worshiping the Devil and eating babies? Yes, I know that eating babies and drinking their blood gives us immortality. Except . . . does he do it? Since I joined the GLCPC, so many people have told me about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s latest “epic” Feast and Slaking. How she ate”then a lot baby” and drank “then a lot of blood. So what the next day she died. The other night Senator Feinstein had to be carried up the shale steps to the basin. She didn’t look super immortal. And President Biden wasn’t even there, having fallen off a couch earlier that day.
Which brings me to the real reason I have to quit. I do not think so any of it works. Not just “immortality through cannibalism”. The whole thing. Are we closer to a new socialist-plutocratic world order than when we started? The rally was an opportunity to reassure members that the conspiracy is not completely derailed, but even the treasurer’s report was alarming: why does the wallet contain so much crypto? ! Do we control the economy or not? And the video highlighting our recent accomplishments was downright depressing. I’m glad that the use of cigarettes in movies is down and football continues to grow in popularity, but that doesn’t really convince me that this whole baby is worth it. And, if we’re just spinning our wheels despite direct support from Satan himself (who frankly seemed quite shaken by our progress), then maybe we should all rethink the GLCPC
In closing, I hope you’ll keep me in mind for any future world conspiracies. And please let me know when you have time to discuss my script. ♦