In a parallel multiverse far, far away, “Scoop” Rosenthal, editor of a major metropolitan newspaper, is embroiled in an embarrassment of riches.
“Hitchens, Woodward and Pyle,” Scoop barks through the press room to his Capitol Hill team. “The hearings of January 6. This lawsuit is a prosecution and not a defense. We have to tell the rest of the story.
“Hitch, contact the Nancy Pelosi Republicans excluded from the committee and find out what questions they would have asked.
“Woodward, tell us why law enforcement was unprepared for a storm they seemed to know was coming. Investigate claims that undercover agents in the crowd may have stirred up the crowd. It sounds crazy, of course, but given the FBI puppeteer in this plot to kidnap the governor of Michigan, who knows? Confirm or demystify, it doesn’t matter.
“Pyle, list the top voting irregularities in 2020 so readers can understand why so many are questioning the result. Be sure to note which claims have been debunked.
Pyle asks, “Should I include the removal of the Hunter Biden laptop story in the weeks leading up to the election that helped swing the race for Biden, or how reports of successful COVID vaccine trials were withheld until after the vote?”
“Interesting, but off topic for this story,” Scoop replies. “It reminds me that we have to compare the charges and treatment of those arrested in the January 6 melee with those arrested in the summer riots. I guess it wasn’t so equal. Alright, go ahead.
Next Scoop calls their undercover specialist. “I got a hot one for you, Bly.”
Bly: “Let me guess, the violence against pro-life pregnancy centers. I’ve counted 40 attacks so far since the Supreme Court’s draft opinion was overturned Roe vs. Wade was leaked last month.
“You are a mind reader. Let’s put names and faces to these attackers. Find out how they communicate and see if you can sign up with Jane’s Revenge, Ruth Sent Us, or another group that might be involved in the attacks.
Scoop puts the phone down and takes a sip of warm coffee while looking at the pack of cigarettes in his desk drawer. Not yet.
He slips into the office of his star writer who appears to be playing Wordle. “Didion, I have a delicate matter. Have you heard of President Biden’s daughter’s diary? »
“FYI, I just read it online,” she replies. “Heartbreaking stuff. Ashley Biden was pretty flustered. Do you want me to look at that line she wrote linking her sexual compulsion to the showers she says her dad took with her? Damn, who’s doing that?
“Another of the legendary Biden family values, right there with the joy that Joe said was that Hunter slept with the widow of his deceased son. They make the Kennedys look like altar boys. But it’s too tabloid for us.
” So what ?
“The FBI is investigating the woman who found the diary at a halfway house where Ashley left it under a mattress and then sold it for $40,000.”
“Is this a federal crime”?
“Hard to see how, but work your legal sources. Also find out why the FBI sent armed agents to execute search warrants at the homes of journalists working for Project Veritas, the conservative group that eventually acquired the newspaper. Seems heavy. Is this normal – or is the office using state power to protect the president? Either way, it’s a story. »
Scoop looks down at his shoe, sees a coffee stain on the cuff of his new pants. It only took me half an hour to fuck ’em uphe mused as he walked towards the national office.
“Pyle, are your bags packed?” It turns out the Biden administration has freed more than a million illegal immigrants into the country since taking office — and perhaps another 700,000 have slipped through the cracks.
Pyle intervenes: “Who are they? Where are they? What are they doing? How do they affect local economies, schools and health facilities? »
“Vegas is a hot spot. Maybe I go there and sniff.
“Anywhere except – your job is to report news, not make it.”
“It wasn’t my fault, but the message got through.”
As he settles back into his office, Scoop is about to savor his Marlboro morning when he reminisces about poor old Murrow, who has been covering the Trump/Russia scandal for over five years.
“Murrow, Scoop, are you lucky to have an interview with Hillary?”
” Nope. Since it was confirmed that her campaign concocted the hoax, she’s only been answering questions about whether she still wants to be the leader of the free world.
“How about Special Counsel Mueller?” How on earth could he have spent two years and millions of dollars investigating and reporting nothing on the people who made it all up.
“It’s like studying an elephant and not seeing the trunk. Impossible. I’m on it.”
His morning rounds over, Scoop lights his smoke, leans back in his chair and imagines the Pulitzers sure to come. These are the finest moments in journalism.
He can only wonder: why are the gods of information so good to him?